Doodles in the margin from an artist living and working in the Scottish Borders.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

Reply To This Email To Get What You Deserve!

I like to keep up to date with my spam, checking in periodically to see what's in the spam folder, who's trying to sell me replica Viagra I couldn't tell from the real thing even with this new degree I've just brought, and so on.

But then, stone the crows, a cuckoo in the nest, something so obviously important that some stupid ISP provider's algorithm has stuffed it unthinkingly into the bin. I mean, look who it's from, for heaven's sake:

Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc
Customers Service Hours / Monday To Saturday
Office Hours Monday To Saturday:

Okay, yes, they can't spell 'monetary' and don't seem sure about when they're open. But look, it could be an American English issue, or, or - they could be Monitoring Crime, and important information like FBI opening hours is probably secret. You could have terrorists just, like, walking in.


Hello? Me? Go on.

- Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago.

Blimey. That sounds all high powered and serious. And I can't remember the name of the UN Secretary General either. But what's it got to do with me?

- It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $9.8million

My favourite tune! You know, I haven't received the fund, now you come to mention it. I'd have to check to see if I've got nine point eight million dollars in my bank account - well, it's only £6,287, 768 so I might not have noticed.

And look, it's only been three days. If it's in the post, we've had some pretty bad snow the past few weeks. I'm not going to start ringing FBI customer services yet. Quite apart from anything, I don't know when they're open.

- you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $9.8million due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

Past government officials have held my fund to themselves? The bloody sods. Is it this government just past? I read 'The End of the Party' and it made me pretty angry, if I'd known they were not only fibbing about weapons of mass destruction but taking advantage of my fund in order to swindle my fund I'd have been livid. That's my fund! It doesn't surprise me in the slightest that the United Nations and the FBI have decided in series of meetings to give me nearly ten million dollars out of the blue. I deserve that fund.

- The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency President Goodluck Jonathan

Goodluck? I'll say so! A-hahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, go on

- a mandate to the current president of Nigeria his Excellency President Goodluck Jonathan to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed to you and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes.

Hm. I put a tenner on the last Grand National, but that came up at the time. And the year before that I won the Grand National sweepstake at work, but I wouldn't say that was gambling, really, I just pulled a piece of paper out of a buff manilla envelope. Ah! Wait! Just wait a - yes, I did once put a free ten pound bet on Obafemi Martins to score a hat trick. He's Nigerian. That was three years ago, mind. He's finally done it, has he? He bloody didn't when he played for Newcastle.

- Now how would you like to receive your payment?

Now we're talking! Is cash out of the question? I don't trust banks.

- ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $3,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the Master Card Logo on it and the card have to be renewed in 4 years time which is 2015.

But what if I find things like ATM cards, touchtone telephones, sliding doors on trains and adding 4 to 2011 confusing and mysterious?

- The ATM card comes with a handbook or manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.

Oh, excellent. Because like I say, I don't trust banks, they're only after your money. I've got a bit of a nose for people who are just after your money while claiming to be helping you. What's the alternative?

- Check: It would be mailed to you via UPS.

What's wrong with the Royal Mail? I told you, it's not their fault, it's the snow.

- Because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expire by the end of January 2011 you will only need to pay $135 instead of $420 saving you $285 So if you pay before January 31st 2011 you save $285

Six million quid and now you're saving me nearly three hundred dollars on top of that! I've got tears of gratitude running down my cheeks, really. You guys!

- Take note that anyone asking you for some kind of money above the usual fee is definitely a fraudsters and you will have to stop communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any.

Whoa! I will! You saved me a lot of trouble there. I was talking to some widow who was trying to get my details so she could pay her philanthropist husband's fortune into my account, but she can bugger off now. It was only $5,000,000 anyway. (Straight into my bank account, though - you might want to consider that.) I'll stop communicating with everyone else I know, too, like you say. I expect you're watching my emails, too, being the FBI. Oh, wait, of course you're not - winks, taps nose.

- Also remember that all you will ever have to spend is $135.00 nothing more!


- Nothing less!


- Below are few list of tracking numbers you can track from UPS website to confirm people like you who have received their payment successfully.

Name : Donna L. Vargas: UPS Tracking Number: 1Z757F991598420403 (

Name : Rovenda Elaine Clayton: UPS Tracking Number: 1Z757F991596606592

Note: everything has been taken care of by the Federal Government of Nigeria, The United Nation and also the FBI and including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $135.

You know what, it would be rude of me to even think about checking up on things with the Federal Government of Nigeria, the UN and the FBI involved. It actually said "UPS could not locate the shipment details for your request. Please verify your information and try again later." It could be just the website playing up, though. Websites do that sometimes - I know, I'm pretty internet-savvy! So, even if I've not got a bank account, but I've got $135 in cash in my Special Jar all ready to go, where do I send it?


Whoa. I had my Special Jar all parcelled up in brown paper and covered in stamps. Is my face red!

- The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is $420

What? You deceitful, thieving ba -

- but because UPS have temporarily discontinued the C.O.D which gives you the chance to pay when package is delivered for international shipping We had to sign contract with them for bulk shipping which makes the fees reduce from the actual fee of $420 to $135 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort!

You are radiant with goodness. Mind you, couldn't you just send me the check minus the $135? No?

- To effect the release of your fund valued at $9.8million you are advised to contact our correspondent in Africa the delivery officer HON.SENATOR MARK DAVID

Wow. An honourable senator and in capital letters too. I see he's got a Yahoo email address, which I would have thought was a bit odd for a government minister, not to mention that he's got time to have a second job as a delivery man for UPS. And being one of at least nine Mark Davids in the Nigerian senate, it must make internal mail a bit of a nightmare.

- Because we are so sure of everything we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Yours sincerely, Miss Donna Story


Well, a money-back guarantee, a name - a woman's name at that - and that address repeated, all in crediblity-increasing capital letters. I'm emailing the honourable senator right now. Is Paypal all right?

I notice too, Donna, that you're a Miss. I confidently expect to be rather well off very soon. So, you know - now you've got my email address, stay in touch. I'd love to hear what it's like being an FBI agent, it must be very exciting. I'll be sitting right here, waiting.

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